so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
