Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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