So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
