i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
