Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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