Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
