I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
