he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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