I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
