I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
