If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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