just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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