On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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