2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
