The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
