just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
