I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
