I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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