we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
