Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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