Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
