Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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