i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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