I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
