i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
whose parrot is this?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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