pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
