I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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