You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
