I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
