ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
