Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
