I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
