i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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