Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
