We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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