Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
