Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
