so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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