Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
