Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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