the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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