oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
