dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my phone needs a breathalizer
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
