i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Alive.
So much puke
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
