Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
