I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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