i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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