Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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