I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
