Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
