can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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