I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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