I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
